Divine Retribution: The Tales of Bernadette and Public Transportation

                                   
                                        (that is most definitely not me in this picture)

I would like to dedicate this post to my bad luck with public transportation. Maybe by paying homage to bus and subway systems everywhere, I can be absolved of my sins and convert to the humble following of public transit.
You would think that by now I would have learned. Two summers ago, I rode the bus home in London after a late night at a comedy show. As I stood up for my stop, my wallet spilled out of my lap scattering all my change (and Europeans use a lot of change) everywhere.
So embarrassing, right?
Well, not nearly as embarrassing as sliding down the stairs of the bus two seconds later. With the in-bus camera displaying the stairs at that exact moment.
I was scarred.
So, when I heard that Bologna has a fabulous bus system, I naturally decided to avoid it at all costs. Unfortunately, living outside the city walls means sometimes you really just can't speed walk fast enough to get to class. I decided to give public transportation another try. 
My first time waiting for the bus, I'll admit, I was nervous. Where do I pay? What if it's broken? Where is my stop? Should I sit or stand?
When bus number 13 stopped in front of me, I realized that all of those questions were irrelevant. I couldn't do anything to stop it. A crowd of people herded me onto a bus and I simply stood squished between a white-haired Italian women cradling milk and eggs and a crowd of middle school boys sporting half-shaved heads and some interesting bling. I couldn't have gotten to the red ticket box to pay, even if I had wanted to.
I got off at the first stop that I was able to and walked the rest of the way home, terrified because I had been on the bus without a ticket. They could have caught me!
The next time I rode the bus, it was less crowded, but of course, I didn't have any change. I was far away from home though and didn't want to make the thirty minute walk. So I sat, paranoid, whipping my head back every time the door opened to see if I needed to make a run for it.
The third time it happened, I had change, but I really wanted to use that for gelato...
And so it goes.
Before I knew it, I had turned into a master bus thief! I rode that bus where ever I wanted and paid if I was feeling generous. Sometimes I even rode for fun! As a non-paying user, I clearly ruled over all. I gave (semi-accurate) directions. Helped people with stops (even if I wasn't totally sure). I was king, queen, and the Lord Almighty of the ATC Bologna.
And the best part was it was free! I scoffed at my friends who paid for tickets.
"I've taken the bus here fifty times already and no one every comes on to check anything!"
And then they did.
I should have known the end of the month would be one of those times. After only one stop on the bus, I found a short, round, mustached man next to me wearing clearly wearing his uniform with pride.
"Il biglietto, per favore?"
Shit.
I tried the dumb American card, but he wasn't buying it.
"I documenti?"
He said something to me about my passport (it was a copy and he didn't seem to like that), wrote my name down, and then asked if I wanted to pay now or later.
Since I had absolutely no clue where to go to pay "later", I opted for now and had to fork over 50 euro, fresh out of the ATM.
50 euro poorer and with a severely deflated ego, I got off at my stop, finishing the most expensive 2 minute bus ride of all time.
I no longer feel like a master of the bus system. I'm back at step 1 in "how to use public transportation" and I think I need to try a different strategy. Maybe some humility and bowing to the bus gods will do the trick.
Or maybe tomorrow, I'll just buy a bike.