Bidet: The "Butt" of All the Jokes

 I can't remember where I've heard this joke before, but I'm going to start my post off with it:

President Bush is winding up a tour of Europe. When he gets to Italy, the bidet in his hotel confuses him. "Why is the drinking fountain in the bathroom so low to the ground?" 

Oh, Bidets.
Americans can't understand them. Italians can't live without.
I hadn't given much thought to the bidet in my own bathroom until the other night after dinner.
"Can I ask you something a little strange?" asked my roommate's girlfriend.
"Go ahead," I replied (not knowing what I was getting myself into).
"Are there really no bidets in America?"
No, there really aren't, which is precisely why most Americans, when they come to Europe have a moment of confusion when they enter the bathroom. A bidet is a sink like fixture meant for washing yourself after using the toilet. Set right next to the toilet in nearly all Italian apartments and hotels, it's a staple of daily hygiene. I just like to pretend it's not there.
For Americans, the bidet is a comical and confusing object. Most jokes are centered around the misconception that Europeans are in fact unhygienic because they use this "spot-washing" to take the place of daily showers. When I tried to express my disgust for it, I was quickly shot down.

     "How can America not have bidets? They're so nice!"
     "I'll tell you why not, they already have them built in. The water is so high in the toilets that it just splashes up when you drop something in."
(This was an observation from Alessandro who has been to the US)
     "Eeeeeewwwww"
     "Do you know why it's called a bidet?" Alessandro asked.
     "No, why?"
     "Bidet in French means little horse. It's because you have to sit on it like your straddling a horse to use it."
     "Oh, come on. Don't you think that's totally weird and unnecessary."
     "You just don't know how to use it right."
     "Yeah, did you know that it used to be weird for Italian southerners too. When they came to the north, they would use bidets for cultivating tomatoes plants."
     "Can you use it to wash your feet?"
     "Of course!"
     "How about washing clothes?"
     "Sure"
     "Oh, I don't know. They just seem so silly."
     "No, they're really nice. I really like using it!"
     "Yeah, I shower every day and I still use the bidet!"
     "How often do you shower, Berny?"
     "Uuuuhhhh, not every day..."
     "And you still don't use a bidet?"
     "Well...no...but..."
     "Gross! Americans are so unhygienic!"

Oh, how the discussion had turned.

     "Have you ever even tried it?"
     "No!"
     "Don't you want to?!"
     "Not really..."
     "But it's nice! You have to try it! How can you live in Italy for a year and not even try the bidet. It's a real cultural experience."

My study abroad experience had been reduced to the fine art of bathroom hygiene. But there was some truth in the cultural relevance of the bidet. Italians are actually very fond of them and don't understand the disgust and confusion found in the foreigner's point of view. So with the threat that my roommates were all going to wait outside the bathroom for me until I'd given them my verdict, I decided I'd have to try it out.
The thing is, I still don't really understand how it's supposed to work.
Sitting or squatting? Which direction are you supposed to sit? Do you use your hands? A towel? A special bidet cloth? Soap or no soap? How do you dry off? More toilet paper? Another towel? That's quite a few towels. Isn't that kind of wasteful?
My hesitations, I realized, all stem from preconceived notions and stereotypes I had of Italian hygiene that I'd brought with me from America. In the end, judging a bidet is just a manifestation of our fear of the unknown, of something new and strange that makes us uncomfortable.  And the bathroom, let's be honest, is the last place where anyone wants to feel uncomfortable.
I have given in to the roommate pressure and tried the bidet. Just once. For the details of such an experience, I recommend trying it yourselves one day. It was, well....wet. The main point is, though, nothing actually came out of the faucet to bite me or give me hives. It's a completely harmless contraception that actually makes some sense, if you care about personal hygiene. I think I'll probably stick with my normal hygiene routine, which, for those of you who know me well, is preeeeetty simple. The complexities of bidet usage and cleanliness, I'll leave to the "dirty" Italians.

Gol!!!!

There are many things about Italian culture that I love. Gelato. Espresso. Pasta. (Ok, maybe lots of food related things that I love). But, one thing I'll never been able to understand is soccer.
For some reason (and I am very thankful for it), I managed to find the one apartment in Bologna that contains not a single soccer fan. But, as I've been informed by my roommates, they're not normal.
This quickly became apparent when I watched my first game with Pietro (the boy I teach English to) and his family.
One night after dinner, they asked me if I would like to stay to watch the game. Bologna versus Naples. It was supposed to be a big deal. I said yes. I had never seen a game before and I thought it would be a good cultural experience.
For two hours, Pietro sat next to me narrating every move. He knew every player for Bologna for Naples, the referee names, the brand of shoes they were wearing, the color of the filling on the captain's back molar. This kid is 6-years-old! He won't tell me what time it is in English, but he'll tell me anything and everything about the world of "calcio".
He now is the proud owner of a collector's book. All the players, team photos, coaches and flags of Series A, B, and C are in this book and he must collect the playing cards to match up with the right empty spaces. Lately, my lessons with him have started with a thirty minute list of names that he's still missing and of the players he's just bartered for with his duplicates.
What I find the most confusing about soccer is that people will start yelling when it looks like nothing has happened at all. A player passes the ball and shouts of "Awh c'mon!" and arm-waving accompany it.  The ball goes out and everyone starts clapping and cheering. Someone kicks it far and everyone begins cursing. Then there is of course the elusive off-sides rule. One minute people are dribbling and the next a whistle blew and the other team has the ball. Everyone grumbles about that forward who was way to far up there and I still think we're the team with the possession.
Last weekend, I went to my very first game at the Bologna stadium with Pietro and his family. I was told we were playing Novara and that if we didn't win that would do bad things to our ranking.  Despite my hesitation, I still really wanted Bologna to win. Otherwise Pietro would probably consider their lose my fault since I was the new person at the game with them. That would make our relationship a little complicated
After the captain of Bologna missed that one type of kick where it's just him and the goalie, Pietro shut up for the entire first half. I thought he was about to cry. I thought his parents would try to cheer him up but one look at them and I saw his dad's face buried in his hands and his mom slouched down in the chair leaning against his shoulder. It was as if they were witnessing the drowning of innocent puppies.
Later in the game, something happened near the goal and everyone jumped up screaming. Apparently we scored. I hadn't seen but I jumped up too as Pietro's dad grabbed me and pulled me into an air-born hug. I was confused. As usual. But Pietro cheered up a ton.
The last ten minutes of the game kind of dragged after that (kind of like the first hour and a half). And then at dinner the complicated ranking conversation left me less than enthralled. But at least I tried it right?
I think I just miss KU basketball too much and that's why I'm trying to find a replacement in my life. Did you know that Italy is the only European country where ESPN360 doesn't stream? I had to hear about the Mizzou game from facebook and the highlight video.
Soccer just doesn't compare.

Shall we?

Along with teaching that almost-lovable little monster from my previous post, I've moved right along with my lessons at the middle school. My first day back I decided that after three months with the same group, I should probably learn their names. They've been working on the present-progressive tense so I played the Icebreaker game where you attach an action to the front of your name (i.e. Bouncing Bernadette) and call on people throughout the room. They have a pretty limited range of verbs so the results were pretty interesting. We had a Finding Federico, Taking Tomaso, Noticing Nicola, Voting Valerio, and my favorite: Nursing Natali. I half expected her to lift up her shirt and start "nursing" her pencil bag. Apparently, they teach it as the equivalent to "taking care of". Sure that is part of its definition, but not the first one that comes to mind.
Since most English teachers here in Italy are not native speakers, many things like this go unnoticed. In my roommate's middle school, everyone was taught that "apple" is pronounced "ehpple". Since I found that out, I have been very clear with my classroom on vowel pronunciation.
After the gerund lesson, the teacher of my class showed me the chapter they were working on and what I should focus my lesson on for next time. It was the future tense. But, she pointed out a very specific conversation printed at the front of the chapter in the textbook.
It went like this:

Mary: Hello John.
John: Hello Mary.
Mary: Shall we go to the store?
John: Yes, let's go to the store.
Mary: Shall we invite Susan?
John: Yes! Let's invite Susan.
Mary: Will she meet us there.
John: Yes, she will meet us there. Shall we go?
Mary: Yes, let's go!

The teacher of my classroom: If we could focus on shall for next time that would be great. The kids really have a hard time understanding when to use it.

They have a hard time? I don't think I ever learned it! And I speak English as my first language! Maybe I use it as a joke every once in a while (Shall we stop at the loo? [fake British accent]) but I thought it was considered archaic. In fact, according to Wikipedia, "shall" is considered an archaic term and it is grammatically correct to use will and shall interchangeably in both the US and the UK.
As much as I wanted to go in and blow their tiny little minds with my awesome native language skills, I couldn't exactly go into a lesson and discredit the teacher, their text book and completely confuse the poor kids.
I spent a good hour going over game scenarios in my head, but the thought of little Nursing Natali asking "Shall we buy some tomatoes?" and Voting Valerio responding, "Let's buy tomatoes!" was too hysterical.
I eventually decided to avoid shall all together and make fortune tellers with the class instead. Unfortunately, they're covering the future tense for the next two weeks. What in the world shall I teach them...?