Bidet: The "Butt" of All the Jokes

 I can't remember where I've heard this joke before, but I'm going to start my post off with it:

President Bush is winding up a tour of Europe. When he gets to Italy, the bidet in his hotel confuses him. "Why is the drinking fountain in the bathroom so low to the ground?" 

Oh, Bidets.
Americans can't understand them. Italians can't live without.
I hadn't given much thought to the bidet in my own bathroom until the other night after dinner.
"Can I ask you something a little strange?" asked my roommate's girlfriend.
"Go ahead," I replied (not knowing what I was getting myself into).
"Are there really no bidets in America?"
No, there really aren't, which is precisely why most Americans, when they come to Europe have a moment of confusion when they enter the bathroom. A bidet is a sink like fixture meant for washing yourself after using the toilet. Set right next to the toilet in nearly all Italian apartments and hotels, it's a staple of daily hygiene. I just like to pretend it's not there.
For Americans, the bidet is a comical and confusing object. Most jokes are centered around the misconception that Europeans are in fact unhygienic because they use this "spot-washing" to take the place of daily showers. When I tried to express my disgust for it, I was quickly shot down.

     "How can America not have bidets? They're so nice!"
     "I'll tell you why not, they already have them built in. The water is so high in the toilets that it just splashes up when you drop something in."
(This was an observation from Alessandro who has been to the US)
     "Eeeeeewwwww"
     "Do you know why it's called a bidet?" Alessandro asked.
     "No, why?"
     "Bidet in French means little horse. It's because you have to sit on it like your straddling a horse to use it."
     "Oh, come on. Don't you think that's totally weird and unnecessary."
     "You just don't know how to use it right."
     "Yeah, did you know that it used to be weird for Italian southerners too. When they came to the north, they would use bidets for cultivating tomatoes plants."
     "Can you use it to wash your feet?"
     "Of course!"
     "How about washing clothes?"
     "Sure"
     "Oh, I don't know. They just seem so silly."
     "No, they're really nice. I really like using it!"
     "Yeah, I shower every day and I still use the bidet!"
     "How often do you shower, Berny?"
     "Uuuuhhhh, not every day..."
     "And you still don't use a bidet?"
     "Well...no...but..."
     "Gross! Americans are so unhygienic!"

Oh, how the discussion had turned.

     "Have you ever even tried it?"
     "No!"
     "Don't you want to?!"
     "Not really..."
     "But it's nice! You have to try it! How can you live in Italy for a year and not even try the bidet. It's a real cultural experience."

My study abroad experience had been reduced to the fine art of bathroom hygiene. But there was some truth in the cultural relevance of the bidet. Italians are actually very fond of them and don't understand the disgust and confusion found in the foreigner's point of view. So with the threat that my roommates were all going to wait outside the bathroom for me until I'd given them my verdict, I decided I'd have to try it out.
The thing is, I still don't really understand how it's supposed to work.
Sitting or squatting? Which direction are you supposed to sit? Do you use your hands? A towel? A special bidet cloth? Soap or no soap? How do you dry off? More toilet paper? Another towel? That's quite a few towels. Isn't that kind of wasteful?
My hesitations, I realized, all stem from preconceived notions and stereotypes I had of Italian hygiene that I'd brought with me from America. In the end, judging a bidet is just a manifestation of our fear of the unknown, of something new and strange that makes us uncomfortable.  And the bathroom, let's be honest, is the last place where anyone wants to feel uncomfortable.
I have given in to the roommate pressure and tried the bidet. Just once. For the details of such an experience, I recommend trying it yourselves one day. It was, well....wet. The main point is, though, nothing actually came out of the faucet to bite me or give me hives. It's a completely harmless contraception that actually makes some sense, if you care about personal hygiene. I think I'll probably stick with my normal hygiene routine, which, for those of you who know me well, is preeeeetty simple. The complexities of bidet usage and cleanliness, I'll leave to the "dirty" Italians.